ruminating...........

mortality.............

2006-05-30T14:43:00.000+04:00

i'm feeling shitty today for reasons beyond me. i must be stressed out, but i just came from vacation, or i'm just scared shitless of facing my demons and problems. i don't know but lately i have been really thinking about going away, i mean passing away.. could it have something to do with the age?

grotesque, but i feel this way.. i have a bad ache on the right backhand side of my cranium just above my nape... could it be aneurysm.. so if anything happens to me.. you are the first to know.. there...i'll write my last will and testament later......

knocked off...........

2006-05-27T16:03:00.000+04:00

it has been months since i last wrote down how i feel and i just happen to bump into my friends' blogs (ye and grace) and it just makes me wonder how on earth these great ladies who are extremely busy still find time to blog, thus the guilt feeling i had and decided to write again.. me who has got nothing better to do than email friends.... why not blog again..

a lot has happened in the last four months, allow me to enumerate them

1. found a DREW BOYD and it has been the most wonderful feeling ever since

2. gone home several times (to Isabela) to attend a cousin's wedding and spent an early summer escapade with my dearly beloved nephews and nieces

3. met Kuya Germs and John Nite, danced with Jolina and Jay Ar for the launch of GMA 7/ORBIT in the UAE..... tee hee, i know i know, but we get star struck sometimes even with the most dreadful of them, but i must say they are always larger than life and that these four were nice especially Jolina, who gave me her signed CD..... though it is through luck and a bit of talent that they are where they are now, i give credit to them for lighting up our bronze screens.. but i still hate them for earning so much money.............

4. we got evicted from Al Yaqoob, and oh my the pain of looking for a place to move into and the cost is staggering, not to mention my excess baggage of nine poor not-so-opportunistic souls who want to be with me. with funny stories along the way, like this place i vowed never to set foot on much less live on even if i get shot at. see i was really desperate for a place to move into before my Canada vacation and time was running out, so i call every real estate agent i know and i get a very affordable offer and my cousin and i set out to evaluate the flat. lo and behold the one place i abhorr was where the agent took us, we can't help but snicker at ourselves beacuse it turns out that my cousin, sharon swore that she will never set foot in the same place too... and because we were desperate we said okay and we went to the office for the contract... good thing it was already taken by someone else just moments before we came in..... serendipity

5. found a new place but very restrictive, no physical changes, only four residents allowed for a two bedroom flat, no partition - not that i would do the partition - but as they say, what to do.... but oh the pain of moving out and in to a new place not to mention the stress i had to go through in putting up the money needed for the down payments and advances... ohhhh.. like i said i was not used to these hassles.. but all's well that ends well.. got our new place and it was just made over recently by my dear friend, tres chic simon, for a gift voucher of 200AED, the receiving room was transformed into a warm and welcoming home. thanks to grace for the bawtsher.

6. gone to Canada for the much needed R and R, but it was not to be the case though yet on my flight from Dubai to Zurich, I got upgraded to First Class, WOW...... really wow. however short it might have been, i felt rich for six and a half hours, unlimited entrees, drinks and food. Even after the plane was about to land, they were still asking me if i wanted omelette or pancakes for breakfast. One thing i noticed though was that I was not being called by my name. First time I travelled on business class not so long ago, i was Mr. Calizo.

and life goes on......... will get into the details later..........

PS. knocked off was supposed to be about me being hard knocked and reminding me about my mortality, about how i have been going around with my life without any sense or purpose... and then it comes pouring in......... the challenges and struggles, yet somehow, we still manage.. i learned that no matter what, we would still just be specks in this universe and that however hard we struggle, this will still be the same... and then life goes on......

sunsets and sunrise

2006-01-22T17:36:00.000+04:00

i am looking at the golden rays of sunset right now with the rays filtered by sheets of clouds and birds circling above it.. and as i finish this sentence, the golden rays are gone and the sunset now casts a gloomy mood over Dubai...... I like sunsets, it brings me peace... my office is situated close to the creek and next to an empty lot, where construction is going on - and soon my sunets will just be a memory until my next office sunset......

i have a full view of the road going to maktoum road and i have not seen the sun set in a long time...... it just showed up again or it made itself noticeable... is God telling me something... hmmmm... that the sun has set and another day will begin, duh. a new beginning perhaps? sure.. i look forward to that.....

i prefer sunrise though, as it gives me energy and maeks me look forward to the day ahead. i have always wanted to watch the sunset and looking for that entails a lot of hard work for me as i'm a late wake upper and i prefer cuddling with my bed and pillows during my waking moments, plus the fact that staying up late makes me sleepy and not want to get up and be ready for walk... my dream day... waking up making breakfast, coffee and pandesal, newspaper and watching the sun rise. if i have the luxury of time, i could still go out for a jog... but that remains a dream and i would just settle for my sunsets... and then dusk comes...........

lost momentum

2006-01-19T13:40:00.000+04:00

it's been a long time and i have lost my momentum.. in fact i have lost a lot.. drive, appetite but not weight.....i just hope i can continue doing this since i am not doing much these past few days... i need a change in scenery, spectrum, point of view, pace, love... i need change.. just change... i keep thinking it would be nice to be a bear and just hibernate in winter and just come out refreshed, renewed and revitalized for the spring. how i wish we could just sleep our problems out and wake up as if nothing ever happened, no memory about anything at all.... escapist i know.. easy way out if you wish but, don't you think it gets too tiring going through it each and every single day.. i think so.........

now i'm back and i will make sure i would be more diligent and inspired......

see ya...

updating my friendster

2005-09-25T17:10:00.000+04:00

This is what was previously on my friendster to describe me.... i am updating it and i wanted it saved... so here we go... my mindset has changed and so does my friendster.... yalla, indulge

i believe in the inherent goodness of humanity
i believe in second chances
i have faith in people
i take pride in having a big heart

i can take it all in
i can keep loving
and my heart expands
and as it expands
its walls become thinner

i love kids
i believe in preserving their innocence
i believe in making this world a better place to live in

a better patch of land
one single life improved
one better person
a smile, a butterfly in a garden
a flower bloom
then life would be more meaningful

First Date

2005-09-18T13:07:00.000+04:00

Does anybody remember his first date? I do.. vividly... it just happened three nights ago.

Allow me. See, I'm 37 and I feel like I just experienced my first date. I mean it was not a real date date but an acquaintance - the getting to know you type. Forgive me for my delusion but then again, let me wallow in my dream.

If it does not qualify as a first date, then shoot me, I know it does have the trappings of a first date - and I hope it would progress to a second, and third - ooh fourth would be kind of frightening - that's for the other party, not me.

I should shroud his identity in secrecy in respect to his privacy. See, I am talking like a sixteen year old sex kitten here, but i'll identify the give away signs.

I just came from a really short vacation, where else but home, and of course brought some goodies with me and therefore arranged a rendezvous to hand over the much anticipated pasalubongs. So here I was, not expecting much but of course putting my better foot forward. I even opened my fourth bottle of Bulgari perfume. He picks me up and we wonder where we could go for some coffee but at twelve midnight, only Starbucks at Jumeirah I thought would still be open by then, and so we decide to just find some place quiet where we can talk. We go to a bar and realize that it was nothing but quiet so we move outside and I rattle and prattle about my recently failed romance. He asks and the blabbermouth that I am just spilled my guts out. I ask, he answers - and it went on till it was just the two of us. Or like I said, I could just be delusional and over romanticizing it a bit, but heck, I need to find a reason to smile and just thinking about it makes me smile and look up to heaven and say, thank You for simple pleasures.

I call it my first date ever because for once in my fucking existence, I did not pay. Chivalry is alive, yahoooo.... (or did I just conveniently ignore to share with the tab?). I get picked up, no flowers, ha ha. We spoke for hours till it was time to go, sleep actually, since I had to work the next day. I have never met someone who kept me talking - good listener he is, his eyes stared right through me when he has something to say or when he was just listening. My eyes usually get droopy when talking to another especially late nights , but that was an exception. Where else can one find a man who's not distracted, who's so not into himself? If I did not ask, he would not have talked about himself. Admit it, but most men are just selfish sons of bitches and all they do is talk about themselves. Here is one man who was so interested with my story as if he was writing my autobio. I have never been so mentally stimulated in my life, although what we talked about were just same old stories about life, loves and learnings, but then again I could be misreading the signs.

Like I said, this was unplanned and thus I just thought about these in retrospect. First date or no first date, I am still in Cloud seven. Knock me off if you must, but nothing can take this away from me. So, SHOOT ME.

PS...Looking forward to the next one. If I had to go back home again to buy another set of pasalubongs, I would.

REMINISCENCE

2005-08-18T17:12:00.000+04:00

I miss
the smell of mud no matter how dirty
the scent of kids running in the heat of the sun the whole day
bagoong cooked with freshly harvested vegetables, evn kangkong cooked with firefood
soaking myself with rain.....hiding my tears or just being childish

I definitely miss
my childhood and all its simplicities
the smell of freshly milled rice - heavenly
huge toads croaking in the garden after the rain
crickets in the evening, huge locusts flying around

I can still see these things and I would definitely go out of my way to have them again
life in all its simplicities
happiness in its crudest form

my nephews and nieces at the foot of my bed anticipating my waking up
to kiss me and hug me or just to jump on my bed
my sister making my coffee and breakfast og garlic fried rice and tinapa
with ginisang talbos ng sitaw
the scent of a young mango leaf
or a freshly baked pandesal
or Papa Darmo making my bulalo and slicing it for me

I can experience thes again and I will spend more time with them ^
I will enjoy my siblings' kids and in return I will relive my past
Gone are the mountains and the green meadows
gone is my bleak future and gone is my nightmare

i don't know if i'm making sense but i write at will
and i will continue to do so.......

just so

2005-07-24T17:36:00.000+04:00

I dreamed a dream
and I thought I could reach it
or at least approximate it
yet here I am
in the middle of that dream
and I am falling
into the abyss.
I followed my dream
blindly going through it
hoping for a change
waiting for a chance
wishing, longing
having sleepless nights
asking questions.
I wonder if I will ever wake up
I ask if I could be wrong
I suffer the consequences
I try to rationalize
but it still haunts me
and it kills my well being.
I’ve never loved this way
and i know i’ll never do again
am i spreading myself too thin?
is it bad to expect?
am i being used?
is it always this hurtful?
I know I have my shortcomings
I know I am not perfect
this i know for sure
i’ll keep holding on
until my heart breaks
until my lung collapses
until i can’t take it anymore.
my love is real
so are my intentions
I get lies and deception
you charm your way through
and always get away with it
have i had enough
have i still to give?

Is all well in my heart?

2005-07-24T10:18:00.000+04:00

I received this affirmation from one of my friends from UPAA, our Zen master or Master Yoda as we call her and I try to recite it every now and then... somehow it works, yet the pain still remains. I think its my stubbornness and optimism(?) that somehow things will be alright and that they will come into their places or I'm just a bloody totally hopeless romantic.. My heart is a wreck but I manage to get by.

Lest I forget it, my memory sometimes fades away, I'll just keep it here....

I lovingly release the past
I am free and they are free
All is well in my heart now...

or is it? I know it will be well, and as I keep saying, this too shall pass..... after a year, I will be up and about again... ready to take another chance.....